Baba 31

Anyone who knows me, I mean truly knows me as a friend knows a fraction of what I feel for my dad. He is my best friend first and foremost, then undeniably he is my dad, he is my advisor and my inspiration. I talked to him every single day, sometimes 3-4 times a day just to check in and laugh a little. He tells me what he’s is cooking while I warm up my 3 for £1 noodles. His cooking is the most delicious food you’ll ever have the privilege to put in your stomach. He insists that the secret ingredient is love and I believe him to this day. Love and pili pili, haha, he was a funny man. I can count on my one hand the times I’ve seen him angry, he was a happy man. He was an entertainer, not only on parties but in life. You can have the shittest of days and at the end of the day talk to him for three minutes and you have laughed your worries away. He rejuvenates you, (and himself), people always think he is 10 years younger than he actually is, and he’d never correct them.

Baba 2

He taught me to never hold grudges. He taught me to smile no matter what. He taught me to apologize even if you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong but the other person feels like you have. Just apologize it won’t make you less of a person he used to say to me. He taught me to be streetsmart. He taught me to be tough and fight for what I want. He taught me my rights as a person, a woman and a creative person. By that I mean, in the beginning of my career I would go to Stockholm fashion week alone and people would stare and I’d hear some things about me that would upset me. Of course, I vented to my dad and he’d say “they jealous” and laugh. And I would to. He put things in perspective. 22 years ago he came to this country and I asked him one day why he came to Sweden. He answered because “I wanted you and Dati to have it better, I want you to be successful.” I will never forget it. He gave me strength.

I will try to be more like him, he was generous and smart. He is the light and inspiration in my life. He was a kind soul that wanted the best for everyone and that was the end of him. I will make you proud. I promise to finish what you started 22 years ago. We will be successful and I just wish you were here to see it when we succeed.

You can tell that I’m struggling with past tense in the sentences because I still haven’t realized that he’s gone. I walk around doing things as if he’s going to call any moment. And that everything is fine. I know everything isn’t fine, I feel it in my stomach but my head isn’t really getting it. As soon as I get an image of my dad I start shaking my head to erase it, as if my head was an Etch A Sketch.

I’m seeing somebody on Friday to work through this. This shitty fucking hopeless motherfucking situation.